AUE home

uk.culture.language.english

News gaffs

Assembled news gaffs from unknown sources (Editor's note: humour is part of our charter!) Are there any more of these?

Jon Snow: "In a sense, Deng Xiaoping's death was inevitable, wasn't it?" Expert: "Er, yes." (Channel 4 News)

"As Phil De Glanville said, each game is unique, and this one is no different to any other." (John Sleightholme - BBC1)

"If England are going to win this match, they're going to have to score a goal." (Jimmy Hill - BBC)

"Beethoven, Kurtag, Charles Ives, Debussy - four very different names." (Presenter, BBC Proms, Radio 3)

"Cystitis is a living death, it really is. Nobody ever talks about it, but if I was faced with a choice between having my arms removed and getting cystitis, I'd wave goodbye to my arms quite happily." (Louise Wener (of Sleeper) in Q Magazine)

"Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field." (Metro Radio Sports Commentary)

Listener: "My most embarrassing moment was when my artificial leg fell off at the altar on my wedding day." Simon Fanshawe: "How awful! Do you still have an artificial leg?" (Talk Radio)

Interviewer: "So did you see which train crashed into which train first?" 15-year-old: "No, they both ran into each other at the same time." (BBC Radio 4)

Presenter (to palaeontologist): "So what would happen if you mated the woolly mammoth with, say, an elephant?" Expert: "Well in the same way that a horse and a donkey produce a mule, we'd get a sort of half-mammoth. Presenter: "So it'd be like some sort of hairy gorilla?" Expert: "Er, well yes, but elephant shaped, and with tusks." (GLR)

Kilroy-Silk: "Did you mean to get pregnant?" Girl: "No. It was a cock-up."

Grand National winning jockey Mick Fitzgerald: "Sex is an anti-climax after that!" Desmond Lynam: "Well, you gave the horse a wonderful ride, everyone saw that." (BBC)

"The band never actually split up - we just stopped speaking to each other and went our own separate ways." Boy George, Radio 2

"Damien Hirst tends to use everyday objects such as a shark in formaldehyde." Fashion Commentator, Radio 4

"Street hockey is great for kids. It's energetic, competitive, and skillful. And best of all it keeps them off the street." Radio 1 Newsbeat

"Do you believe David Trimble will stick to his guns on decommissioning?" Interviewer, UTV

"It was the fastest-ever swim over that distance on American soil." Greg Phillips, Portsmouth News

"...fears that the balloon may be forced to ditch in the Pacific. Mr Branson, however, remains buoyant and hopes to reach America..." Radio 4 News

"Well, you could count them on the fingers of less than one hand..." Jack Elder, New Zealand Police Minister

"And Nakano tries to avoid being passed by his teammate Trulli, which should in fact be quite easy, because Trulli is going more slowly than his teammate Nakano" Murray Walker, ITV

"A fascinating duel between 3 men..." David Coleman, Hammer Throw, World Athletics, BBC

"I'm glad two sides of the cherry have been put forward" Geoff Boycott, Radio 5 Live

"It has been the German Army's largest peacetime operation since World War 2" ITN

"There are the boys, their balls between their legs" Amanda Redington, GMTV

"Ian Mackie is here to prove his back injury is behind him" Commentator at Spar Athletics

"Azinger is wearing an all black outfit: black jumper, blue trousers, white shoes and a pink 'tea-cosy' hat" Renton Laidlaw

"The advantage of the rain is, that if you have a quick bike, there's no advantage" Barry Sheene

"Her legs are kept tightly together: she's giving nothing away" Gymnastics commentator, BBC1

"Moreano thought that the full back was gonna come up behind and give him one really hard" Ron Atkinson

"Adams is stretching himself, looking for Seaman" Brian Moore

"I wouldn't be surprised if this game went all the way to the finish" Ian St John

"Apart from their goals, Norway haven't scored" Terry Venables

"The Croatians don't play well without the ball" Barry Venison

"Batistuta is very good at pulling off defenders" Kevin Keegan

"Chile have three options - they could win or they could lose" Kevin Keegan

"I came to Nantes two years ago and it's much the same today, except that it's completely different" Kevin Keegan

"Zidane is not very happy, because he's suffering from the wind" Ron Atkinson

"He dribbles a lot and the opposition don't like it : you can see it all over their faces" Ron Atkinson

"They've picked their heads up off the ground and they now have a lot to carry on their shoulders" Ron Atkinson

"Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw" Ron Atkinson

"The swimmers are swimming out of their socks." Sharron Davies, BBC

"In cycling, you can put all your money on one horse." Stephen Roche, Eurosport

"I always used to put my right boot on first, and then obviously my right sock." Barry Venison, ITV

"In life he was a living legend; in death, nothing has changed." Live TV

"Without being too harsh on David, he cost us the match." Ian Wright, ITV

"It's amazing how, in this part of the world, history has been part of its past." David Duffy, Eurosport

"And that was played by the Lindsay String Quartet... or at least two thirds of them." Sean Rafferty, Radio 3

"Batistuta gets most of his goals with the ball" Ian St John

"They (Leeds) used to be a bit like Arsenal, winning by one goal to nil - or even less." Nasser Hussain, Channel 5

"So, this movie you star in, The Life Story of George Best, tell us what it's about." George Gavin, Sky Sport

 

 And of course... Silly signs attested to by various Usenet contributors (all of these are unconfirmed, and "just for fun")

 Sign in a Laundromat: AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

Sign in a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office: WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

Outside a farm: HORSE MANURE 50p PER PRE-PACKED BAG 20p DO-IT-YOURSELF

In an office: AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

On a church door: THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN. ENTER YE ALL BY THIS DOOR. THIS DOOR IS KEPT LOCKED BECAUSE OF THE DRAFT. (PLEASE USE SIDE DOOR.)

English sign in a German café: MOTHERS, PLEASE WASH YOUR HANS BEFORE EATING

Outside a secondhand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING – BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Sign outside a new town hall which was to be opened by the Prince of Wales: THE TOWN HALL IS CLOSED UNTIL OPENING. IT WILL REMAIN CLOSED AFTER BEING OPENED. OPEN TOMORROW.

Outside a photographer's studio: OUT TO LUNCH: IF NOT BACK BY FIVE, OUT FOR DINNER ALSO

Outside a disco: SMARTS IS THE MOST EXCLUSIVE DISCO IN TOWN. EVERYONE WELCOME

Sign warning of quicksand: QUICKSAND. ANY PERSON PASSING THIS POINT WILL BE DROWNED. BY ORDER OF THE DISTRICT COUNCIL.

Notice sent to residents of a Wiltshire parish: DUE TO INCREASING PROBLEMS WITH LETTER LOUTS AND VANDALS WE MUST ASK ANYONE WITH RELATIVES BURIED IN THE GRAVEYARD TO DO THEIR BEST TO KEEP THEM IN ORDER

Notice in a dry cleaner's window: ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE FOR MORE THAN 30 DAYS WILL BE DISPOSED OF.

Picadilly Circus: THIS ESCALATOR IS OUT OF SERVICE DUE TO A DEFECT. IT WILL BE REPAIRED AFTER THE DEFECT IS CORRECTED. THANK YOU.

Church in Bucks.: VISITORS ARE REQUESTED THAT THE DONATIONS FOR THE POOR DOES NOT INCLUDE VISITORS. PLEASE DO NOT REMOVE THE DONATIONS.

OXFORD CIRCUS: DELAYS ON BAKERLOO LINE ARE BEING CAUSED BY EARLIER DELAYS.

Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park: ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR

Notice in a field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES

Message on a leaflet: IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

Sign on a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

Spotted in a toilet in a London office block: TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

Bank: THE CITY LINE TO WATERLOO IS OUT OF SERVICE. PASSENGERS WISHING TO USE THE CITY LINE ARE ADVISED TO FOLLOW THE SIGNS FOR WATERLOO AND USE THE CITY LINE.

A London restaurant: WANTED : MAN TO WASH DISHES AND TWO WAITRESSES

 Two quotes from Casey Stengel in testimony before the U. S. Senate

"I would say I wouldn't know, but I would say the reason why they'd want it passed is to keep Baseball going as the highest......Baseball sport......that has gone into Baseball and from the Baseball angle - I'm not gonna speak of any other sport!"

"It's been run cleaner than any Baseball business that was ever put out in a hundred years at the present time."

 

 Back

Home

 Next

AUE home